MOMENTS SPOKEN

There are times when words come easy to an experience. They flow like a steady steam, easily, smoothly and so effortless.

Then there are the times when nothing seems to be able to be said that flushes out the event. It just leaves a person speechless.

Being a writer I am of course used to expressing myself with words. It doesn't mean I do it perfectly or always adequately, but it is part of my nature.

However, there are times when the real language needed isn't from something said by the lips. It must come from within, yet originate beyond our understanding. Those are the episodes most riveting when revelation of the type that can literally change one's life can occur.

That doesn't mean we always listen. In such situations our minds can easily get distracted by stimulus and our surroundings. We can lose the chance to experience the moments spoken by God's desire.

He is patient and longsuffering with us. And the reality is that at times such moments can inspire faith, heal or minister in some special way.

Only since it doesn't affect our salvation, but rather is a form of blessing which is easy to miss out on if we don't pay attention. For it is not in the thunder of a heavenly voice dramatically pounding our ears that we hear the moments spoken as intended.

It can be as simple as a nudge. And it can also be as easy to understand as seeing something that is plain.

In such cases we can so often complicate things by our own choice. We want the profound, which instinctively we assume must be dark and mysterious.

Instead it might come with the soft, fragile eloquence of a butterfly. The wind could bring it with such quietness that we might think it is our imagination.

To hear, truly hear, means to be open to the dialogue that gives a light seen by the mind and not by the eyes. It can take practice at times. If we are not too impatient to expect miracles in the process.

How easy we complicate the simple. There are times when truly in order to hear we have to shut up.

I've been there too often in my own life. And I'm grateful that the Lord's grace has contended with my impetuousness.

I draw a form of joy from knowing there will always in life be the moments spoken. I just pray I don't miss them when they come.

THE LACE OF LIPS

Regardless of the rejoicing
the richness of our raiment reaps
what remains etched upon our face's expressions
truly glistens from the vestments in our heart.

We might labor to clothe our moments
in vanity's dazzle and display,
but it is that permanence of our fleshly mask
which was sculptured within one's mind
that truly shines from the thoughts and desires
simmering in our secret emotional cauldron.

Sometimes, when swallowed by sorrow's shadows
our real reflection burns our image's pores with truth's acid
till we temporarily discard our social caricature of facade
allowing the veins of our real essence
to protrude, if only for a fleeting confession.

In each passing season of heartbeats
do we romance the garb of acceptance
hoping to dress in the appropriate pristine attire
ensuring us the chance to hear the dulcet thunder of ovation.

Yet, we are never able to adequately accessorize
through cosmetic forgery or fashion's fickle flare
what we see in the mirror
changing it into a more perfect definition our fantasies
than is revealed by
the lace of lips.

RELEASE

There is an old saying that I've heard about let go and let god. The idea being to turn one's problems over to the Lord in faith.

I think as a guideline and principal it is a good teaching. And it would probably be more practical if we could honestly control our emotions.

Some people have more capacity to do that than others. Still the truth is, at least from my experience, is that letting go is never as easy as any of would like.

Which brings up the problem of forgiveness. We are told to forgive. True, the one ingredient missing in that concept is the idea of the person truly seeking forgiveness.

And whenever people seem to address the subject of forgiveness they never actually deal with that aspect. Plus there is the difficulty that scars seldom are that easy forget.

I don't think that the Lord was being unrealistic. I know he wants us to show mercy and compassion and then in return he will grant the same to us.

But what is gained from going through the motion of claiming you are over a problem that really still burns in your gut? Hiding the truth behind a false smile will never honestly improve the problem.

For me the one thing that haunts the most is when somebody wrongs me and then I never see any sense of justice occur. They just don't end up suffering for their sin. It always makes the aspect of letting go so much harder from my point of view.

What does help for me is time. A season beyond and some change in my own life and what seemed to be a killer problem is just another memory.

Perhaps we move ahead, perhaps we don't. We might rise above the moment or we may linger at some post of self inflicted punishment.

What will never bring release is claiming you are experiencing it when you aren't. That might impress, but inside where stands watch over our reality, we know otherwise.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to, as with some many things, being a issue of faith. To truly trust to the Lord that he will dispense justice in due season. And to be willing to also let his spirit to our pain, not with some illusive or vague claims of perfect release, but rather the joy of being touch in a genuine way.

It means being oneself with the valley. Not to chase a wind or act like it is never there, but to cling instead to the path we know we must follow.

Along the horizon yet to be is the real release. If we don't get lost by directions we prefer to follow rather than the ones in our heart we know we must accept.

JOY IN THE TEARS

I know there are tears from joy, which is naturally a good feeling for some. But then when the tears are from sorrow, is it possible to find some joy in the middle of the sobs?

I think the honest answer is that sadness is not conducive to a state oh joy. In time though, when the sadness has passed, joy can at times still touch.

And it if for that reason to me, that when I feel extra depressed or sad, I try to think of the times to come when God will minister to the pain. I remember the times he has done so in the past and am grateful.

It is that memory and thought that often touches with enough sensations to give some comfort. That doesn't always mean I feel happy at the time, but I do savor the moment with a clinging small grasp of faith for the inevitable someday.

For me, life is spent so much in isolation and solitude. I am not a social animal. I don't have a wide circle of family or friends in which to confide or share the moment good or bad.

This can seem to be a loneliness to some. However, I have found comfort in the appreciate of how it helps me see God more clearly.

It leads to a communion of the heart and soul that balances the sorry to some degree. I can feel the joy brewing in the valley. It lingers as a promise of the future. A time when the light of God's grace will shine through the storm clouds.

There is nothing from my point of view that demands we have to be these social animals and popular in order to be saved. Some will always have that as a more meaningful part of their lives than others.

I have accept the quiet of my life as a good thing. It gives me time to think, meditate, pray and along the way touch the parchments of my expressions in a way that will minister to others.

I hope sharing this will be of some consolation to others who feel all alone and abandoned in life. Yes, it hurts at times, but it can be a source of hope too.

For who better to feel and know the mercy of god than those who never feel it from others? It gives such a great appreciation of gratitude for what I treat as a blessing and not a curse.

Unto that end I share. That perhaps an eye or two who is hurting and in need might find a way to see the joys in the tears of the moment. With God we are never as alone as those who stand in a crowd, but nobody knows they are there. We are loved even if no man is the source of such compassion. Can one truly feel sad about the times when life unveils the hand of God even if at the time it is standing along in a desert watered by one's tears.

THE ROAD OFT TRAVELED

Between those lucid and glistening pillars of inspiring light
there is the looming menace from horizons of foreboding night.

Faint is what becomes of the vow from an unstable heart
who only sees danger lurking in the landscapes of perpetual dark
which eyes of dread are convinced will of harm, thus impart
till it kills courage's breath and cripples one's steps after they start.

For beyond those threatening leaden skies of uncertainty's time
what gives iron to the soul is the trust in more than what is known
that will guide a wanderer to an oasis of peace so truly sublime
providing one doesn't give into anxiety's fleeting groan.

Each new dawn brings the promise from some type of trial
to test each pilgrim's grasp upon faith and their next step
as one ventures along that long quest towards a goal and smile
while avoiding any stumbling over hesitation's stones of regret.

It is passageway unfolding in self-discovery's maturing journey
following an ancient and well-worn path
that some must learn to crawl using each sensory knee
without any promise of how long it will last.

Revealing what we cherish as graveled
upon the road oft traveled.

ONE MORE TIME

Holidays can be a wonderful time of the year for some. For others they are only reminders about inequity in their lives they would prefer to forget.

However, like any tradition, we do find ourselves each year participating in some way with the festive occasion of a given holiday. Some times that is a good thing, others perhaps not as much.

This year is the first year my wife and I will celebrate the holidays in our new house. Adding to the change is the presence of our first grandchild to our home.

So we face so many one more time moments with a new transition in our life. Right now, I'm sitting in our living room, composing with my grandson dosing in his baby swing. My son and the mother of his child are busy preparing to go out for Halloween.

Outside, our recently landscaped front yard is adorned by the addition of freshly carved pumpkins. Later, we hopefully will be visited by a few neighbor kids for the usual trick or treat affair.

All of this is a one more time affair with so many different issues and experiences. And as with all those who follow the faith, I am not unaware of the dark side to this holiday.

I could chose to abstain from participating, but in reality I don't see that as the right choice. For in the midst of the usual tradition, my mind can't help gravitate to the marvelous gift we have this year that I see as the Lord's blessing.

So that remains focused in my life. Participating in the festive spirit of the day is not about getting caught up worshipping demons and other such dark elements. It is about the freedom to say, in Christ I'm free.

And that for me means rejoicing over the Lord's grace that covers so many parts of life. It means being free to see him in everything even the things some Christians fear or condemn.

I refuse in this situation and play the hypocrite. By that I mean not passing out candy and trying to lecture people on the evils of the day.

In truth I know so many who are just captured by the allure of being silly and enjoying exercising their imagination. To that end, I seek not to beat people to death with the gospel, but respect their rights and then hopefully in a different time they will respect when the time is right to share the wisdom of God.

I seek in that sense to let my house be the Lord's domain. To see it with a rainbow of praise shining forth to give light rather than a dark cloud of hate that just wants to make people unhappy.

And hopefully along the way God is honored by the truth that is admitted in one's heart rather than the pious lies one wishes were true. I pray I never lose my joy of embracing the real meaning of God's love and grace.

A HEARTH ON FIRE

In the recesses of one's thoughts and feelings, what burns the longest and hottest is our real desires. Not the ones we claim or put on display for others, but the ones we truly crave.

That doesn't mean we admit to it. And how often that "hearth" of the soul will simmer and burn for the longest time, no matter how much we attempt to keep it from being seen by others.

What if the coals stoking that fire are full of evil? Well, if we accept the scriptures in terms how God sees man, we know that sin is part of everyone's hearth.

But none of that reality in anyway prevents us from clinging to some idea that we can be good. All we have to do is follow some set of rules, even if we do it with lies and we are okay. The world we see the saint we pretend is our heart and not the demon who really possesses our essence.

So what happens when the heart inside gets filled with kindling that creates a fire, which warms us in totally corrupting ways? Now the comment might be made that we are capable of avoiding wrong if we chose.

However, what happens when the corruption is subtle instead of obvious? We might start by refusing to break a given law since we know it is wrong. But suppose we are able to violate it without anyone knowing it? And what if it is such a minor law we figure there isn't any harm?

It is so easy to go from a clear sense of right and wrong to one that is very fluid and slowly deteriorates our values to the point that eventually wrong never seems that wrong. We see that on plenty of times when some spiritual leader goes for years living what seems to be a wholesome and pious life. Then one day the person does something totally shocking and scandalous.

Everyone shakes their head and tongues start wagging like we ourselves are to invincible to fall for such a weakness. And we go back to our own lives, feeling superior because we didn't get caught.

The hearth of one's soul can only ever be kept from burning too bright with sin's flames when God's spirit is allowed to once and awhile do the cleaning. That doesn't mean we can expect it to never be refilled with the wrong kind of heat. Only that we have to be willing to accept we have never arrived "spiritually" and are never in this life going to be perfect.

It means accepted we make mistakes and sin. And it means trusting only to salvation in Jesus as Lord and Savior over our own idea of good deeds. Then when we fall, we let him help us back up and to clean out the old logs of corruption in our heart while replacing them with ones that give off a more profitable form of log. We just have to remember that all logs stop burning eventually and need to be replaced.

THE RUT OF DREAMS

Dreams ought to be the place we see our fantasies. And what is a dream for one person has nothing to do with what is a dream for somebody else.

I have to admit that my idea of what would a fantasy come true is certainly not what a whole lot of people would regard as a good thing. Although I'm not going to spend time going into the details about that last sentence, I think that my creativity helps me appreciate in many ways the need we all have to look beyond life's window with our own sight.

The problem I think within Christian circles is that you can hardly feel free to share your dreams, which are really one's fantasies painting our desires as I see it. Oh, if you get all spiritual and talk about heaven, the Lord or loving others, by all means you can talk all day and even be admired or impress others.

But what about dark dreams? What happens when you find yourself lurking in the shadows of sanity and actually enjoying that little corner of depravity. Heaven forbid! Right! Yep, that is the standard party line you will get from some Christians.

So the first rule of surviving in a house of worship, is be careful what you confess. Oh you can have sins, but they can't be EVIL sins. Like there are really any other kind.

In the scriptures the Lord spoke of thoughts in a way that they often express the desires of our heart. And if one's desires are by God's standards sinful, then even if you don't act on them, the desire expresses sin.

I don't think he wanted to lay a guilt trip on us. I think it was more a statement of the Lord knowing what really simmers in our heart.

Which is his way of reminding us that we can pretend all we want, but it won't make the creepy shadowy parts of our soul suddenly lily white and pure. What is even more tragic is when people come to that point of thinking where it is assumed a good deed will somehow offset a bad one.

The truth is no amount of good deeds will ever earn a single second of forgiveness. So pretending you never have a bad thought, never say a bad word or drift mentally into those perverted abysses is not a process than ever truly helps.

I don't feel there is gain in deception and especially self-deception. It only forces us farther away from the type of honest intimacy we can only have with the Lord when we accept the truth about what lurks on the inside.

Some will never learn that lesson. Others do. And when the dark thoughts intrude, we can learn how it truly conveys God's love and grace that he knew those were there all the time. All he desires is we learn that truth for ourselves instead of playing the game called denial.

VISTA OF HUSH

Silently,
the spreading blanket of quiet smothers my chaos,
curing the thunderous clash of guilt's clanging cymbals.

So longingly do I gaze upon the mystic canal
slicing between the lush green banks, dripping with foliage
and feel the vibrations of sweet serenity baptize me to the bone.

Seeing a distant and inviting stone arch bridge
my heart races by feet of nimble desire
till I can dance in my essence with the pastoral cloth of leaf and soil
becoming a radiant flame of pure exquisite ecstasy
happily lost within the rustic labyrinth of wood and vine.

It all becomes a teasing raiment of euphoric incense
willingly inhaled so very deeply into my spirit
lifting my heaviness until it transforms into a feather
drifting beyond the clouds, stars and sky
finding that most precious touch of heaven
calling from among the dew and lily pads
redeeming me from my hellish distractions
though the fleeting hug of Mother Earth's
vista of hush.

ANOTHER MONDAY

The cycles of time can be so mundane at times. So often week after week the days wear one in the predictable monotony of sameness.

There are always the valleys and the occasional mountains. It just seems that there are more valleys than mountains.

I'm not sure I think that sadness and stress are good substitutes for dull. Having a crisis hardly makes us every feel full of joy it seems.

Yet, life will always have those times. Whether we like it or not there will be challenges and tests of our faith and lives in general.

That doesn't keep us from wanting things to get better. And I know I'm just as guilty as the next person of playing that game of thinking I've reached some point where I have arrived. Where I've been tested enough and faced enough crisis to live a quiet and peaceful life.

I get to think that for about a day or two, sometimes even a week or month before things will change. It is never enough to totally devastate, but enough to remind that if we put faith in this life we will surely be disappointed.

This last week the routine took some unexpected twists and turns. We found out that somebody we had done business with and who behaved in a totally unethical way was in fact guilty of criminal behavior. I do not know what the end result of this situation will be, but I doubt the person will gain from being exposed for committing illegal acts.

At the same time my son had the joy of getting hired for a full time job as opposed to the part time job. It was a high point for him since he got a job in a field that he had wanted to work for a very long time.

Then sadly he ended up being the victim of a financial scam. Even though the joy of the new income will be a blessing for years (hopefully) the anger over being stolen from will haunt the days.

Was it necessary for both to happen? Couldn't he had the blessing without the pain? I can't really answer that in all honesty.

I do know that in the process we did see the hand of the Lord working behind the scenes and even in the darkness his light of grace still shined. So through the mixed blessings of another Monday came the chance to see life through the eyes of faith.

It might not be a life full only of the blessing you can put in the bank. Or the ones that lead to a chance to boast. But lessons learned are a blessing in themselves, even if we don't always have the time during our yawns to see them as clearly was when the tears fall.

BEYOND

One of daily routines five times a week is to go to a fitness center as one way to help deal with my diabetes. I don't mention it to impress, merely as a necessary backdrop for this posting.

Being there so often I end up finding myself almost like a citizen in a different world. One that isn't overly populated, but has lots of visitors. For the others like myself, who are called by the trainers as "regulars" we form a simple bond. It is an appreciation of how each of us has chosen to accept this world as part of our own.

So along the way from time to time I end up having conversations with the other regulars. It is funny, but there is something that helps lower you guard when talking to someone who shares this part of your life. We often have short conversations about life and problems that we might not otherwise have a chance to talk to with somebody else.

On this particular morning I ended up talking to a woman about my age whose mother just passed away from terminal cancer. She looked so lost and was obvious fighting to keep from breaking into tears from her sorrow. For her the exercise was in this case a form of therapy.

We talked about her mom and spirituality as well as faith and death. I think it gave her a place to express so many feelings she couldn't in other situations.

I didn't go to the gym with this expectation of course. But neither did I mind the Lord putting me there on this occasion to perhaps grant her a chance to find some relief from her sadness.

Beyond at times is a place God puts all of us when it serves his purposes. It is that place where we become involved with helping others if by no other means than a hug that will sometimes touch in a way we may never truly appreciate.

In my gym experience there were no other witnesses to our conversation even though we were surrounded by people. And no matter how it may have helped, it isn't like I personally had a chance to benefit from the moment. It was just being there, beyond my own needs in a place where it serve somebody else. That for me was enough.

I wonder at times when I see the side show that takes place in some Christian circles if everyone is truly accepting of being used by God in such ways. Can we truly go beyond our needs and problems to listen and obey a greater purpose.

Beyond it the quietness without fanfare. It is to be the instrument of God's grace without it becoming a place where we can brag or boast.

We never are required to live in this location. But being there can truly bless us as much as the other person. I pray when the Lord leads us to that place beyond our own world and thoughts we savor it as a blessing.

PARTING

Across the blurred lines of time
I passed
and saw my yesterday
amid the steeples and towers
where once
heaven thrived.
But now it is a fleeting
thought.
A place only
of unanswered questions
drifting into a yawn,
By a wink
have I come
to the wounded shore
inside a barrel
filled with sleep costumes
testing my eyes,
Tomorrow
could yet
be a party.

SPHERES

There are different types of spheres that I'm thinking of in this definition. I'm referring to the kinds of spheres that influence us by a basis of power or other means.

I think of them as spheres for a variety of reasons. For one they often never seem to have a defined beginning or ending. But at the same time they have boundaries. And if you are inside the sphere the given source of its energy truly controls the climate to every degree.

We have the ones we come in contact with during any given day. They can involve our relatives, work, neighbors or any other group that you feel intently when in there presence.

Spheres are those domains that are often obvious in life. Yet at the same time there are the ones beyond our influence. There are the unseen realms of spiritual spheres.

The scriptures speak of there being angelic beings and also Satan's minions who work behind the scene and influence life. To that degree, this world is under the influence of such forces.

I think there are a lot of times we forget this fact. When we go through our daily routine we can easily overlook some ordinary location as being part of some spiritual sphere.

Yet it is reality. Church alone is not the only place were spiritual entities reside. And they do have the capacity to various degrees to influence us.

How often it has amazed me when I notice the way even a quiet place is never without the presence of spiritual beings. We might not see them or sense their presence, but they are there.

And for the follower of Christ this is an important reality to remember. For Satan is so good as stirring up people for no obvious reason to tempt and test us in the most unexpected places.

That is why there are times when you can easily be blindsided in an ordinary climate by some undeserved or unexpected hostility from people you don't even know. It is all a backdrop intended for a greater purpose. One we might not always recognize at the time.

It doesn't mean every cranky person is under Satan's influence. If we do something wrong even though following Christ, we can still be deserving of some reaction deserving of our errors.

What is the difference? I think it lies in the reactions that are clearly evil. Someone how intends on harming another without any justified motivation. Knowing this doesn't guarantee it will be prevented. It just grants one the freedom to know that spheres cover everywhere we go. Even when we don't see their presence.

BALANCE

I heard the other day about this one celebrity who was comparing fundamentalist Christianity in this country to the type of terrorism that is happening in some other counties. This person's reason for making such an observation was to suggest that since such terrorists often claimed to be associated with a religion that it meant in this country we faced a similar threat.

I did listen to a number of Christian groups expressed their outrage with this individual claims that fundamentalist Christianity was as bad as the extremists in other religions. Needless to say, their view on the subject regarded such a comment as totally irresponsible and untrue.

Fundamentalism in Christianity does have a foundation that goes back decades and in its infancy was truly a desire to return the faith to the basic of our beliefs. I think in was a commendable goal and did make a contribution to body of Christ.

Over the years of course the term Fundamentalism in relationship to Christianity seems to have slowly become more identified with the radical groups under the umbrella of the faith. So much so that today it is hard for many to think of the term without it conjuring images of extremism.

There is a difference between having a passion for something and being obsessed with forcing that belief upon others. Being passionate means to me in Christian terms that one truly wants to serve the Lord with all your heart.

It doesn't translate into trying to suppress or abuse others who don't agree with your point of view. Neither does it equate to attempt for the sake of what you believe to deny others their freedoms.

That is the challenge of balance. To serve the Lord in a way that glorifies only him means to put his will above one's own desire. Sometimes I think the most effective witness is the one that starts by showing respect to the rights of others.

Still, like with any belief system it seems the extremism, no matter what percentage they represent of the faith get the most attention. And why not? They are by far the most colorful group.

That is important to the news media who are trying to put on their media circus for the sake of ratings. It hardly matters to them what the truth is nor do they concern themselves with all the people who do follow a path more balanced in their convictions.

There will never be a time when those prone to extremism won't be apart of any faith. They will always dominate to some degree.

But I put my faith more in God to know that he is not as absurd as some of the extremism make him out to be. I only hope that at times those wounded by such people will have a chance to learn not all who follow a given belief system have a need to cause more harm than good.

FOR MY GRANDSON, MICK

On the day you were born
and I first gazed upon
your adoring, cherub face
my heart erupted with a joy untold
as I saw in you something
more precious than gold.

When you look up at me with your soft, dark eyes
so full of trust and curiosity
then tightly grab my finger
using your tiny hand
it floods my soul
with such a pure balm of love's wondrous sighs.

You are that gift of God
blessing in ripples of boundless happiness
which I have never known upon this sod.

On how you can charm
through innocence's irrepressible spell
touching everyone who sees you
by the magic of a toddler's needy grasp
producing feelings no words can truly tell.

For I shall ever truly wonder
on that morn you first came into the world
if it was you beginning life for all to see
or my own essence from what incredible pleasure
having thus been caused to dwell in me.

THE SLOW EDGE

Traveling along the edge of reason can be a slow arduous trek at time. There is always the gap between conventional reason and spiritual wisdom. Sometimes it is easy for what seems logical to actually lack reason on the spiritual plain of reality.

The other day when I driving to finish an errand this thought came more vivid into my mind than at other times. I look up at the sky with the few clouds and suddenly it just hit me that what I was seeing was not all there is. It was a scene I had view on countless occasions, yet on this time life just transcended the traffic, pollution and all the usual problems.

I don't think it was as much the scenery as the thoughts flowing through my mind at the time. The reality of the Lord weighed heavier on my soul that on other occasions.

This for me was because of the fact that in the midst of given ordeal I had witnessed the hand of the Lord touch in some very intimate and special ways. And that triggered a more acute awareness that my surroundings really were transitory and not permanent.

How easy it is to take so long and come so slowly to such an edge in our thinking. For no matter how long we live the basic chore of being can consume us. It can become our god and reality if we allow it too.

That doesn't mean we can discard the routine that orders our day. We have to breath, eat, work and do countless other functions, which consume our thinking and time.

So it is easy to get sidetracked and to tell ourselves, "that is what Sunday is for" in terms of inspiration. The only thing is that Sunday comes and we can still be plague by life in so many ways.

It would be wonderful if somehow the opposite would become the reality and Sunday's inspiration kept us touched all week long. I know there are other times of fellowship too, but even those can elude at times in terms of granting us a lingering sense of inspiration.

And I don't see that as anything other than a part of life. One that God knows and understands. That is why I think there are times when he can touch us in the midst of the ordinary.

His spirit can remind by a word or image of how we do need to keep to remember what lies beyond our horizon of thinking. That is the sight one can only have through faith.

It will only end up blurry for those who can't see beyond flesh and blood. Who consume their lives in the vanity of pursuits that only satisfy for the now.

We can't avoid being susceptible to such influences and we are called to be faithful in our lives. But that kind of faithful can never replace the one we need to have with our lord. For it will always have eternal relevance that survives long after this life passes.

MEMORY STRIPES

There are always those experiences that are so trauma or uplifting that they leave deep and lasting marks on our thoughts. Anytime we relive them it stirs the same feelings either good or bad.

Since far too many times in life we go through disappointments it seems I suppose often there are more negative memories that positive ones. I wish we could wave a magic wand at times and free ourselves from such recollections, but we never do.

The question is whether there is any benefit to reliving the past. I knew a person once that spent most of the time doing just that. Only in this person's case reliving the past meant spending the whole time savoring all the bad moments. In fact this same person when I would talk to the individual also loved to share all the details of sadness that had been gleamed from talking to other people who went to this individual's church.

So I would hardly qualify that type of obsession as healthy and I never saw any positive results from the process. All it did was generate a lot of negative and depressive energy.

To look back on the past and see the stripes through the eyes of faith is to look at both the bad and the good and see the hand of the Lord in the process. One can see his light even in the valley, but again you have make that part of what you are looking for.

Oh you can look back at the desert moments and lament over how barren was the time. Or you can see the same wilderness and marvel as well as give thanks that God was merciful and helped one to survive that moment.

To spend the time in reliving tears without any hope being drawn from faith's well is process offering no sense of healing or chance to look at the future with any degree of expectancy. Such is the nature of some people. They will always see only darkness and never look for the light. That is always a tragedy when the person is a follower of Christ for it shuts the door on the holy spirit touching in a way that can look at the horizon of tomorrow with any anticipation of joy.

My wife and I have endured our valleys. At the moment the Lord has been merciful to us and we have seen some unexpected changes that have truly given us reason to pause and praise.

Does that mean tomorrow will be perfect? Hardly. But I have tried to feel memory's stripes with a different sense as a result of how our life has transcended what it once was.

Ironically so many who helped contribute to our suffering will never know how God worked miracles in our lives to help us overcome their evil. Sometimes it is enough just to know that he is aware of the reality and touches just the same. In quietness there is a calm and the chance to appreciate the stripes of the past in a different light. Hopefully one that will give one a reason to be grateful so that tomorrow is looked upon with a smile instead of a frown.

BREAK LIKE GLASS

So frayed and tattered is the memory's veil
after being woven with countless threads of expired years
that one tries to restring upon the mind's recollection loom
without getting a rash
from the biting fabric of shed tears.

Gazing inward through our orbed windows
towards the soul's dark and sacred vault
brings one face to face
upon that distorted looking glass from the past
when we don the shimmering dress of excuse laced hues
seeking comfort in our ill fitting self-image costume
by uttering a monologue of justified esteem pontification
spoken while meandering
between the aisles of conformity and truth.

Suspending our life's tales upon a guilt free wire
like washed laundry hung out to dry
we hastily erect the emotion survival shelters of transparency,
hiding behind the shear curtains of secrets
till some hail stone of failures shatters our illusions.

Peering out our fractured ego panes
fogged by fantasia's esteem etching
thinking they were somehow invincible
and being totally unprepared
for how they easily
break like glass.

THE GATHERING QUEASY

Do you ever have the moments in your thinking where you just have a sense that something bad is about to happen? I'm not talking about the kind of end of the world disaster, but more like one that just stabs at you and makes you feel ill at ease.

Perhaps the worse thing is not being able to identify what is inspiring the feeling. Plus there is the fact that since feelings aren't always correct we know from experience that at times they can't be trusted. Still, they can also flow from a intuitive part of our lives and be a yellow caution flashing light that is screaming, "warning, warning potential danger ahead."

The potential part is the problem. Potential doesn't mean guaranteed. It means it might happen and then there is the issue of "if." That translated into some kind of condition, which may or may not change the outcome.

There is a difference between worry and apprehension. Worry I think stems from attitude and experience. If we are brought to some point where we expect the worse then too often our worry ends up becoming a reality. Not that attitude is the only factor, but it just seems to affect how we act and the choices we make.

In the scriptures worry is regarded as a sin. Some might take issue with that interpretation, but in reality it is just an extension of our lack of faith and thus to that degree considered by the Lord to be a sin.

I haven't been able to stop worrying in my life. I know I shouldn't, but I still do. But even if I could it wouldn't deliver me from the issue of having those nagging times when you just feel something bad is about to happen.

Is it wrong to have those feelings? I don't think it is good to have them dominate your feelings, but they are at times a good hint that perhaps one needs to rethink a given choice. And I believe God can speak to us through such means at times. Not constantly, but I think his spirit can touch our lives in that way on occasion.

I don't feel this is one of those issues where you sit around claiming to have a word from the Lord. I've known people who did that. And while I do accept God can and does reveal himself to people I also know those who have claimed God spoke to them and they were always wrong. Not that they would admit it. That would never be acceptable since it would mean they were imperfect like the rest of us.

I still believe God answers prayers. Not always as we wish, but he does answer them. I also believe he speaks through his word and promises in scripture. Again not as we want, but in keeping with what he has already said.

As far as those gut feelings, well they do deserve attention. Perhaps not to let them rule our lives, but enough to merit prayer and thought providing we can see them with our mind and not emotions.

BEARABLE

We are told in the scriptures that God will not give us a greater burden than we can bear. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but the concept is I think that the Lord knows our strengths and weakness and therefore won't expose us to more trials than we can bear.

I suppose it could said conversely that he wouldn't blessed us beyond what we can handle either. And that is a wonderful promise, but there are times when it is hard to truly appreciate its reality when we have to endure some of the things that come our way in life.

It is admittedly very difficult to accept when you see such incredible misery that comes to some people and then you see those who end up being blessed in some way that totally corrupts them. Neither extreme to me seems to lend credence in my view to such a promise in scripture.

So does it mean God only does this with some people? Or that perhaps the meaning is wrong?

I don't think that is the truth. I do believe that the wisdom is not something we can all truly understand in this life. I wish I had answers on why some people's lives are either far worst or far better than the rest. But in reality, I don't think the answer is possible completely in this life.

I do accept that God has the power to influence our lives and to touch them in so many special ways. That means he can give us strength to deal with problems we didn't think we could handle or even grant us blessings for reasons other than reward. He may bless in a way that is meant to test one's heart.

What I do believe too is that with the Lord he never acts for frivolous reasons. That while something might appear to us as not making sense, it doesn't mean there is no divine wisdom to the situation.

None of that will necessarily help some people who are enduring trials such as Job incurred. However, I do feel that God also wants to touch our lives and strengthen our ability to trust him. So that too is part of the reason some of us face the challenges of life.

Beyond this there is the reality too that none of us truly knows what goes on in the hearts of others. Thus we can't always understand or recognize when a person is among the redeemed and when they are not.

I have seen those in church who were the epitome of hypocrisy and thought themselves faithful saints of the lord. The fact that they had prospered through evil means never seem to impact their thinking or conscience.

I have also known those who were in my opinion following the Lord, but on the surface didn't seem to some like good and faithful church members. They are times seem to be the ones that God uses in special ways and their lives may or may not reflect that hand of the Lord upon it. But regardless, bearable is truly a passageway we all must walk to one degree or another.

DREAMS

I went to this street fair once where they had a table with people claiming to teach others how read dreams. Somewhere in the middle of our conversation they did make a few references to the bible. But they were never very clear on if their references were intended to be related to faith or just a convenience.

I could have prodded more I suppose, but my gut reaction was that it was mainly focus on mystical rather than spiritual aspects of dream. Interpreting them more for the sake of understanding than seeing any relevance to eternity or God in the process.

Does God truly speak through dreams? I believe he does at times. There are references to such in the scriptures. But it wasn't something that happened all the time and to everyone.

Admittedly, dreams can come from a variety of sources and no doubt Satan can also touch our minds to some degree. He does have boundaries on his actions, but it doesn't mean he can visit us in that arena.

I think it is interesting that it appears few if any ever give thought to Satan stopping by during our sleep time through one of his minions to confuse or misguide. Some people truly regard their dreams as inspired. And they may very well be.

Yet, I have known way too people who end up deciding God has spoken to them, yet what comes out of their mouths is utterly unbelievable. It really leaves me to wonder at times if too many folks don't end up being easily swayed by what they assume is from the Lord. They never seriously seek in prayer to ask him to confirm the experience as being genuine.

Being a writer means I am prone to a very creative process of thinking. So dreams for me often go way beyond reality in terms of being bizarre and without any seeming relevance to life.

I have also had the occasional vision. Nothing flashy, more like a knowing that this was intended for a reason.

There have been times that I have prayed for understanding in terms of a given dream. And God has on occasion answer the prayer by giving me an interpretation.

The one thing I have observed is that if God brings the interpretation it always agrees with his word. And not by my own prejudices, but by a standard of truth I'm force to accept because I know it is from the Lord.

I pray that God will always work for each of us in terms of helping us know the times when he uses dreams as a form of message. And also to embrace the times, no matter how fantastic the dream, that is nothing more than our fantasies working overtime. Hopefully we can be content with the reality, regardless.

CONSUMED

Oh how I feel, so utterly trapped
having suddenly fallen into a nightmare's tormenting abyss
as a hopeless vagabond who is lost between to worlds of light
swallowed by recollections about a once visited landscape
now relived as a mental forest of tall, dark menacing talons
totally immersing my mind in the foreboding haze of uncertainty
and haunted by the sense of being unable to find a mystical guidepost
leading any towards utopia or purgatory.

Beyond the suffocating surroundings of macabre shadows
crawling across my footsteps like tarantulas
I can only see a murky and dim horizon
while the caustic stickers of fear's crippling toxins
slowly poisons each fragile thread of my sanity.

Muscles begin to burn from the vigil stance of feeling utterly lost,
my heart pounds from the inflaming in gut burning agony
fueling my futility ache over searching for any escape.

Between the distant charred fingers of these hellish inner woods
there can be felt the languishing presence of other confused travelers
equally imprisoned in this grotesque wasteland of hope.

Above the leaden sky bleeds with the putrid stench of angst
killing any prayers for relief or release.

Step by step I still plod towards obscurity and oblivion hospices
knowing my path of pall shall bring to my anorexic sense of esteem
another of resignation's breath for a soul,
consumed.

SEAMLESS

Seamless for me in this context is continuity without distraction. The perfect flow that doesn't appear to have a beginning or end like space.

I'm not trying to be intentionally vague, but I was thinking more in terms of thought and truth as it relates to the Lord. With God truth and knowledge would be perfect. It wouldn't suffer from being confusion or be illogical.

We face so many things in life that are less than perfect. As they say to every rule there is an exception. And likewise with analogies, no matter how effective, they do fall apart eventually in terms of application.

Man's wisdom is never seamless. It will always have breaks and gray areas from what we don't know that fogs the information from being totally black and white in accuracy.

There are many areas where the degree of certainty grants us an element of confidence that it is ultimate truth, but it will never obtain that quality completely. I wish it was otherwise, but it never works out that way in life it seems.

Where I'm headed for this posting is to point out that our minds our used to things being marred and flawed. That doesn't keep us from wishing for perfection and even seeking it, but it always eludes us.

However, when we do encounter the Lord in some way and his spirit touches our lives we become exposed to that form of seamless sagacity that is totally foreign to our reality. Such encounters can be confusing and difficult at times to digest.

For can we truly be given a glimpse into the flow of wisdom that is universal and not be left to a degree with an inability to appreciate its reality? With time and familiarity through regular communion with God's spirit the strangeness does fade.

The problem is that it is difficult even when one grown in experiences to always having the ability to explain that to others who aren't so blessed. What can become a very natural revelatory process can seem weird to someone that has never experienced such encounters.

It is often more difficult to fathom other's reactions than we might think at times. Personally, if I've had some revelation that I feel came from the Lord and somebody ridicules it I do get offended.

That is because like many, I feel deep down I'm telling the truth and the person should see it as such. Later, in the more calm state of thinking I realize that it isn't me they have rejected, but the Lord.

And that is an experience many know far too well when sharing one's faith. That is a time to rejoice over the light see and not get upset over another's blindness.

WHEN CLOUDS COLLIDE

I think that our creativity was intended by God as a blessing to help us cope with the reality of how often life is other than heaven. We can escape via our mind and savor being whoever we want for a while.

As children this is a natural process, but as adults I think it is often regarded as a frivolous adventure. And in reality we do have to spend a certain amount of time accepting reality and dealing with it in a practical level.

But that doesn't to me mean that we have to abandon our passions or dreams. They might not be where we can live, but I do feel we can and should let God help us find the smiles in the midst of the shadows.

Those wish clouds often fill our sky of thought. And they can dangle up there indefinitely as long as the breeze of hope is there to push them along the way across our mind's eye.

So perhaps we have some talent that isn't yet been realized as a part of our lives. We don't profit from it or have a way to use it so others know about it. But as long as the promise of someday lingers in our thinking that cloud will still be suspended in our sky.

Then comes the fateful day when perhaps we have two different dreams say about a rewarding career and some dream to pursue a given type of lifestyle. And even though we want to avoid it, we have to make a choice between the two clouds for the clash with each other. One of them will sooner or later evaporate from our hopes.

What is the greatest passion and desire of our life isn't always what ends up being a possibility in reality. It is easy to ask how come God knows our heart's desires so well, but doesn't end up opening doors for those clouds of wishes to become a solid part of our existence.

In my life, as I see it, writing is my basic passion and also and extension of my faith. I have penned enough creations to know that for me this is not just a vain pursuit in terms of my talent. Yet, no matter how hard I try and how much I write, success has never graced me in that regard.

It doesn't keep me from writing. That flame of desire just burns to bright. And without the fame or riches, God has graced me in some small way with a joy to keep sharing in a small way the thoughts he give me.

So this cloud of wish has collided in my life with the one where I must work at a regular job in order to make a living. Yet, I am grateful that in the collision it didn't evaporate. It merely drifted to a place where I can see it and enjoy it even if it is overshadowed by larger more demanding clouds. Sometimes it is enough to simply be faithful and enjoy the sky even if what we see is not the vision we prefer. To that degree, we have to accept that God does control the wind and it will blow fortune where he desires.

NO COMMENT

Let us gather round the withered red tape tree
to plan for progress with a facade of unity.
By meetings we'll be sure the voters will truly see
a new 'something' to make them all as happy as can be.

Through constant speeches we did thus decide
for a new means of transportation for the poor to ride
having every blessing any new system could provide
without any imperfection that we will need to hide.

Thus began our glorious improvement plan
that was started with a joyous picnic and a marching band
ever assuring all how success would be so grand
and that we would, of failure, be able to withstand.

Oh that wondrous date treated as a successful day
making us filled with a genuine reason to proudly say,
'Construction has now begun and is here to stay
no matter what else arises to affect our way.'

Of course, a bigger budget we did have to raise
with plenty of taxes to ensure our project got only praise
though the citizens were left in a curiosity daze
about the lack of progress that lead to their abiding malaise.

A year later they asked on where all the money went
as our vans lied rusting among some weeds of regret
our rhetoric denied that we were blatantly incompetent
responding to reporters with a political vent,
'On that issue we can only reply, no comment.'

AT THE DOORSTEP

To be at the doorstep from my point of view is to be at the entryway to a change in life. The one thing we do know in many cases is that unlike a regular doorstep, we normally don't know for sure what lies beyond the door. We might have a reasonable idea, but until we pass beyond where we are standing we won't have the confidence of really knowing.

God often brings us to such doorsteps. The key to passing beyond is faith. Now some imply that trusting God somehow is like a shield where nothing bad ever happens when you are trusting him.

I don't think God is ever desirous to cause us harm, but there are times when we only learn from our mistakes. So in order to get his point across to us the Lord will in his wisdom let us pass through a door where we end up stumbling in the process instead of finding a safe or secure place to call home.

Perhaps if life were more perfect and we wiser none of this would be necessary. But it never seems to work out that way.

So there are times for our own good that God will have us at the doorstep where opening the door doesn't lead to heaven. Ultimately I think there will always be a benefit or blessing, but at the time it might not seem that way.

Thus is the delusion and error of some teachers. They only want to paint Christian in whitewashed tones that avoid allowing the person being able to see the flaws. For them they treat their teaching as a form of sales pitch where you need to sell some one on the idea of buying your believes. So if you don't make it appealing enough they won't accept what you say.

In the long run this ends up being a disservice to the believer. For God's path is not one that is totally devoid of tears. He could never prepare us for eternity without adding some iron to our souls. You can't do that on a diet of marshmallows.

The problem is that life itself often affords us too many moments of tears. So we look to our spiritual realm for doorsteps that are naturally more uplifting. And in our quest we become myopic in our vision. We see only what we want to see and never see the truth of how the doors to tears are sometimes the ones that lead us to places most enlightening.

But the game will always be played by some. They will dangle their keys of looky-looky and treat the whole issue of doorsteps with a irresponsible need to paint what lies beyond the door as perfection.

That works right up to the point you enter the door. Then as God intends the truth prevails. It isn't always pretty, it isn't always uplifting, but it is always the truth. Whether we embrace it becomes a matter of soul searching. Sometimes if we allow God's spirit to lead the search we learn in the process.

LEFT ALONE

In moments of isolation the silence grows into voices of urging for most of us. Without any hammer of rules or conformity hanging over our head we can often be inspired to let our real desires be expressed. Those aren't always bad, just a reflection of what is truly in our heart.

In my life the majority has been spent alone. I am married with a family and even grandchild now, but I often spend a great deal of time by myself. Even where I work, I am alone for many hours on my weekend shift.

For some people that might be a bad thing. But as a writer it is a precious commodity. At least from my point of view.

Personally, I think the Lord show real wisdom in arranging my life in this manner. A people person I'm not. Too many moments of awkward conversations and heartache have helped me appreciate that I will never be a social creature. So god forged for me a way to make a living and function that might not work for everyone.

But being alone so much of the time doesn't grant me complete freedom from any responsibility. There was a time like many people I suppose that if I was left alone at work I would have used it as excuse to do nothing.

The years and some maturity I suppose have helped me to graduate from that type of attitude to one that is more discipline. At work, I have a certain number of chores to accomplish and I come in and tend to those duties no matter how much I am by myself and unsupervised.

That doesn't make me special. It is just part of the training in faithfulness that God has given me over the years.

I am reminding of the scriptures admonitions on the issue of faithfulness. God has his watchers who see everything we do. Some people seem to forget that. They go to church on Sunday and when seen by others they think it is enough.

However, God can see deep into our alone times. He will see how what is in our heart is reveal in the choices we make when no one is forcing us to do other than what we want.

It is after all a test that is to reveal if we are faithful other than during times of crisis. Some will be obedient, some will not.

There are no applause for such a journey. No time that comes when somebody will declare your obedience before others.

For some that is not a deterrent. For others it will never translate into real faithfulness. Only time and the Lord will know if we truly touched the dark quite with the kind of obedience that will bring rejoicing in heaven.

RECALLING THE DAZE

Sometimes a journey down memory lane can be a stagger instead of a waltz. The memory is so capable of getting clogged from imperfections.

And perceptions always intrude to give us some concept of truth in a given situation that may be totally skewed from the facts. If one is humble enough though, in the midst of such distortions, there can be light.

I sometimes wander back to the times of the past and what I thought was true. Then with time and more experience, the light comes that shines into that age and lets me know how I really wasn't as informed as I thought.

What I cherish is when despite my stumbling and bumbling is to have the Lord tap me on the shoulder and guide me to some benefit of understanding and insight. Then I can gaze back at the moment and feel it wasn't a complete error or mistake.

I've often marveled at how some people look upon a given weakness or flaw in one's character and decide it is worse than any others. I'm not sure that God views it the same way. I don't feel he has this list of sins ranking some worst than others.

True, the consequences to sin can be varied to oneself and others, but it is after all faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior that brings salvation and not our absence of sin. That fact won't keep some from having a list of wrongs they think are the unpardonable sin.

Unfortunately in such a filtered process of thought one remains in a daze when gazing at the past. It only tempers the merit of such a reflection till it no longer benefits.

To truly progress in one's relationship with the Lord, one has to understand in part one's real origins. I say that because so often there are drives and motives that remain a lingering undercurrent in our lives.

Without benefit of that knowledge our road map towards eternity can end up being written in disappearing ink. We can simply get detoured in terms of seeing the horizon as intended because of being trapped in some way station of denial.

I think one of God's most blessed gifts in that of giving us the gift of seeing the humor in our own mistakes. That isn't intended as an attempt to criticize ourselves or be negative. It is simply to be open to appreciating how we don't always have to wear the mask of our lies in order to face the Lord.

Some will embrace that reality in due season. Others will remain out in the field of their own invention, carefully counting weeds that they are proud belong to somebody else. It doesn't mean we shall all find the perfect path. But for some the temporary daze lifts when truly focusing on the Lord instead of oneself. May we all savor the moments when God forces us to see that daze for good and bad and be willing to listen when he guides us to another type of vision.

THE JAGGED CALLIOPE

Perhaps, like so many, I at first perceived
in their solid and silent thickness
nothing more than the unbendable coldness of my own heart.

But as my essence drank from a murky well of veiled profoundness
I saw something forged so long ago, appearing to possess neither soul, nor brain,
yet infecting me with the consuming and penetrating of a flickering sensation
about how stones could be the true guardians of time's residue.

For none among the earth have truly born witness to more passage of ages
absorbing in silence what the weather of deeds rained as secrets, lives and loves
whose heartbeats had ceased in a fateful season.

And when my hand cupped these quiet sentinels of everlasting vigilance
I began to feel the tones from the layers of seconds vibrating through my pores.

They resounded in my mind with those desperate songs of sorrow, prayers of hope
as well as the suppressed lust of flight so muffled and gobbled by the wind.

It inexplicably touched my awareness like walking barefoot on a jetty of boulders
till the haunting notes of confessions unfolded in my head
with lingering and lilting vein numbing pricks of being
ensnaring and entrancing as potent as a circus's parade's melody
which is able to echo in the chords of a life time
by a single quiver of inflection.

Images kept now unfolding in their intensity
humming in my marrow about the mystical, unspoken bond
between stone and life
grateful to simply hear
the jagged calliope.

BETWEEN THE VALLEYS

Even the most ardent and long suffering saint will occasionally reach a point of calm between two valleys. It can be a very refreshing and satisfying experience to take time to reflect upon life and God's marvelous capacity to keep his word and promises.

Yet there is the memory of the storms lingering in the back of the brain. With real spiritual maturity one loses that sense of having "arrived" and understand there will be another valley. That isn't intended as a negative comment, just a reality that the life of faith will always require challenges. And often it means the next valley will be more challenging and difficult than the last one.

This is not cruelty or punishment. It is the intent to simply strengthen one's faith. And the only way to increase the capacity to trust is with a great challenge. I wish it was otherwise, but it isn't true.

Still there are those precious times when the crisis moments pass and one can enjoy walking the land of quiet for a while. Those truly do touch in so many ways.

Providing one doesn't get too comfortable and decide to turn it into a residence. That is easy to accomplish at times. You just simply stop trusting or moving.

It might make for a wonderful rest for a while. But eventually it will lead to the sad decay in spirituality.

Part of my weekly routine included regular visits to the gym. For me it is a habit after so many years and I often see many of the same people there. On occasion some will stop coming for a while for a variety of reasons. When they do come back they often think they can pick up the same routine they had when they were in shape. I see them with that look of being so stunned to find out how much their bodies have lost from the inactivity. Fortunately, with regular effort they do regain what they lost.

I merely mention it in terms of how in a similar way those who decide to rest in what is intended as a temporary rest stop and stop trusting will find the return means they are starting over. Oh that doesn't mean the faith isn't there, but God will often not submit the person to the same level of challenge at first when the faith muscles have atrophied.

But the heart and soul may not be prepared to accept this change at times. Lost in the process is some modicum of intimacy in one's relationship with the Lord.

We might not be aware of this transition to full appreciate it, but often we do know how it just doesn't have the same level of intensity as before. This will pass if one remains faithful long enough. But some misunderstand it as an expression of the Lord somehow turning his back on them, which is no the case.

So savor the quiet times and the joys of becoming a visitor to a plateau of peace. But never think it will replace heaven.