TREMORS

Panic seems to quake more than anything else. At least to me. Now I have never claimed to be perfect.

Or a model for heroism. But I have survived. And for that I am grateful. I do cherish that aspect.

Still I live with the choking elements of anxiety. Not with a lot of pride, but with awareness that is a big problem in my life.

There are times that I'm sure if I had a way to be able to avoid this aspect of life I would be better off. To be capable of remaining calm no matter what.

I do admire those who have that ability. It just seems so mature. So quintessentially noble and brave.

But regardless of how much I mine the depths of faith and try to let the ore cover my doubts they still exist. Do I ever protest to the Lord? Absolutely.

Has prayer or petition purged me of this problem? Not at all. Does this mean I give up or believe there is no God?

It doesn't affect me that way. Instead I am able to keep going and trusting. Because I can remember times I have experienced God's hand.

Not that I in any way found myself inspired to stop doubting to the degree that pressure causes, but instead I accept that there is more to the universe than in my understanding. Which does in no way result in me knowing all the truth.

That is part of what keeps me going. Being aware that God is more than I can perceive. So there is no reason for me to assume I could know it all.

However, this doesn't keep me from feeling a little deprived. I would love to have life being simpler and easier.

But then there would be no motivation for faith. I would just be another person living in comfort who thought they were the center of the universe.

And so I embrace what our my flaws, not with pride, but with joy that God's grace is able to help me endure. Which is what makes life truly blessed.

It doesn't end the problems, but it does help to keep us humble. Which does seem to be very important.

I guess if I ever get to the point of problems I will find out what that might be like. For now I will just keep plodding away.